Motherhood for the Non-Mothers

Oh, good, it’s a post about motherhood by someone who has no idea. Here we go…

First of all, talking about Mother’s Day can be hard for people who struggle with infertility…

Infertility can be caused by so many things.

Infertility is more common than you might think. It’s a pain that is often expressed privately so it can seem less prevalent than it is.

It can be biological. These conditions don’t just affect someone’s ability to have children, they cause pain and grief in everyday life. Endometriosis, PCOS, cancer and so many more don’t just cause problems whether or not someone wants to have children. It’s sharp pain and dull pain, bloating, bleeding, not bleeding, endless doctor’s visits, irregular hormones, and all the issues that come with that.

Infertility can be lacking a partner or sufficient means to raise a child on your own. Add to the yearning for children grief and loneliness and feelings of not being enough.

Infertility can be losing something you had due to tragic incidents. That’s a grief that’s hard to heal and the reminders of what you once had don’t just go away.

Infertility is a loss of control. It’s not being able to hold on to something you want so dearly. It’s wanting something that you can’t have and you might be able to someday but with so much uncertainty. So many risks and budgeting of time, money, and willpower.

There are so many different ways to have children which is a blessing, but also adds on this stress of decision making. Sometimes having more options adds to the hopelessness.

Mother’s Day is hard.

But I don’t imagine it’s going anywhere soon. And as someone who is blessed to have a fabulous mother and many amazing women in my life I don’t mind it even if I have had a Mother’s Day breakdown or two (or more) in my life. My mom lives far away so I can’t make breakfast or dinner for her. I, of course, will express my love in a way that is affectionate and slightly embarrassing, but how else can I celebrate Mother’s Day?

mom shirt

How can I get out of this Mother’s Day funk and turn it into something positive?

I am not suggesting that we can simply flip a switch and stop the negative feelings that distress us. This isn’t a pep talk or an attempt to encourage those sinking in quicksand to imagine instead they are relaxing on a beach. I recognize that in all of our lives there are real concerns. I know there are hearts here today that harbor deep sorrows. – Dieter F. Uchtdorf

It’s conveniently on the calendar in the middle of May which is when things start looking up in nature (on this side of the world, at least). I’m sitting on the steps in my backyard as I write this and the sun is shining and warming my skin. My yard is lush and green (it’s all weeds, but they’re still lush and green).

weeds.jpg

Motherhood is about creating and nurturing life.

There are many reasons why I may never be a mother, but there are also many opportunities for me to create. This is something we can all do regardless of gender or circumstances.

I could create life by planting a garden, but that is more of a way I destroy life. YOU could create life by planting a garden.

I could nourish life by rescuing a dog. Oh my gosh, I did that already, I’m such a good person.

rescue dog

You can create life by creating a work of art. You’re bringing into the world that wasn’t there before.

Posting a photo of something beautiful. Write a poem or song…or a poem that should be turned into a song because they’re better that way. Painting, sculpting, dancing, acting EVEN IF YOU’RE BAD AT IT. It’s not going to be easy. But suck it up and you might even enjoy it.

I suck at dancing and had fun taking a community dance class. I was bad. Even at the performance.

middle eastern dance

I’m creating this blog post with no intention of editing it to actually be good. I’m taking voice lessons starting soon and I’m sure it’ll be painfully humbling, but worth it. It’s a better high than drugs, trust me, I’ve only tried one of them. Creating makes you happy, I’ll find an article to back this up later, but I’m pretty sure it’s science.

I’ve learned so much from strong women.

But what I really think we can do to create and nuture is looking after each other. My mom is amazing and I’ve learned so much from her. If I could only take one person with to an island or something I would take her, but it’s taken so many people to make me who I am.

your first home was a woman

Those who were born or married into my family. Strong women going back for decades on both sides of my family tree. The ones in my history who overcome trials I will never know but passed that strength on to me.

Friends and friends’ moms.

gal3

Women in media and arts and politics. Women who work for national and global causes that have taught me what it means to magnify your talents and stay classy while doing it. One thing all these women have in common is love and support. 

As a mom you have to nourish and support your child, because without you your child cannot survive. The rest of us may have to go out of our way to find opportunities to love and care of others.

heatherme.jpg

Definition of motherhood.

A perfect mother is full of love, selfless, does the thankless jobs and gets it done when no one else will. Those are things we should all be.

Dictionary.com be defining motherhood like,

definition of motherhood

I don’t know who came up with this, but how amazing is that phraseology. “Inherent worthiness, justness, or good that is obvious or unarguable.” Dang. That definitely describes mothers, but I think we all have that same worth inside of us and I think it’s time we remember that.

Just like mothers, we can all create life.

We can literally bring life to someone by making them smile, by bringing back a light in someone that has gone out. By encouraging them to leave their house to experience something they love. We can remind them of their worth when they’ve forgotten. We can take other people’s hands in our own to remind them they’re not alone. We can look into each other eyes and acknowledge each other.

We are givers of life when it’s lost. You don’t have to grow something in your womb to give life. You don’t have to conceive to create (I just thought that sounded catchy). You don’t need to wait to learn to love and nourish a human. You don’t need to be genetically connected to be family.

It’s even creating a positive outlook when you have to create it out of nothing.

60067463_2287354274850918_4932227128604229632_n (1).jpg

I have no doubt that motherhood is a fast-track to lots of life lessons and emotions, but I don’t think the rest of us get a free pass just because we have no fruit of our wombs or child of our own.

Here’s to being the best moms we can be, to whatever creation we can make and sharing those creations and that love with the world so that we can have more good in this world than bad.

And because I may never be a mom, but love giving motherly advice, I made this blog.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s