Author Archives: Lawsy

Year in Review

I’m not going to look back over my entire decade those posts are stressing me out. That’s way too much time to reflect on. Though it was a good decade that more or less spanned my 20s…where I think a lot of growing up happens. But instead I’m going to just talk about the last two years.

2018 was my year of rejection. Starting with the notice of my divorce being finalized on January 2nd. Temporarily homeless, though kindly taken in by a friend. Then my car broke down. Then I can’t even tell you how many job interviews I went to. Left a job that was too little pay and physically painful. I got a house but was living with strangers. Ru got sick, and it was nothing serious, but still felt like my fault. No insurance anymore so I adjusted medications. Just, generally, not great. You know? Managed a lot of fun and grew closer than ever to friends and family, but still feeling the weight of one major rejection followed by many more less important, but still weighty, rejections and generally feeling like a trash human.

And as we know my motto is

Screen Shot 2019-12-30 at 11.45.59 AM

This year hasn’t been free of rejection by any means. One of my favorites is the one date I set up from a dating app who ended up not showing. His name was Jerome and luckily I had discovered Lizzo shortly before and she has a song for that.

But the difference between these two years is something I mentioned before on this blog that my physical therapist told me.

You can’t heal when you’re in survival mode.

I tried to do a lot of things while in survival mode. It was trying hard to put my best foot forward at interviews when I really believed I was worthless. I knew, and they knew, my heart wasn’t in it. My heart wasn’t in anything.

I was having regular anxiety attacks over things that didn’t matter much, I was scrambling for control and became more of a perfectionist than ever, with almost nowhere to direct that perfectionism.

But I also made amazing friends and amazing connections, on the outside I was so loved and I knew that. Got to go to Europe, a few of my favorite places in Italy and Harry Potter Studios. Absolutely fell in love with Ireland. But I felt like I was dragging myself along. I got sick a lot. Felt like I’d die of a heart attack, felt like I couldn’t breathe even while I was breathing. Got really tired of having to tell people I was divorced over and over again because news travels slowly. Found out on my

I wish I could tell you the secret to turning things around but I don’t know. Sometimes I think you just have to take it one day at a time and wait.

I ended 2018 and started 2019 working on videos with one of my best friends. It was a short-term gig but reminded me I don’t suck at everything. I started writing promos for BYUtv as a contractor thanks to another friend connecting me to someone over there.

I made a list of impossible goals and didn’t even come close to achieving them, but that’s another issue. I did more or less stick to my motto of, “Manage Expectations 2019.”

I replaced roommates with ones that are friends and even though having two dogs in the house now is crazy it means more unconditional love to go around.

Sometime around March I decided if I was going to be a writer I better start calling myself a writer instead of “I do a little bit of everything.”

I was at a Braid Workshop and while it’s mostly people starting up businesses I usually said I could do videos etc. But at this one I said I was a writer and I was looking for full-time work.

Haley walked up to me after with a post-it note with her email on it and after a handful of emails and three interviews I got hired for a job I was definitely not qualified for…

And since then the job has morphed a few times and may soon end up being something very well suited to my skills.

Meanwhile, at that job I’ve made very important friends that have mentors and emotional support humans whether they know it or not and I’ve turned previous friends into coworkers by referring three people.

Somehow I juggled both jobs and got to write and produce content that was meaningful to me–pieces on mental health and things that are just fun, like a 20-minute episode that aired in theaters (but may never be seen or heard from again). I’ve learned a LOT–both about shows on BYUtv and all kinds of health issues and how does affects them.

I’ve continued to meet amazing people and build relationships even though I feel myself growing more and more introverted every day.

I was so annoyed previously that I was getting rejected from jobs. More than one said my interview went great but they weren’t hiring a writer anymore–great no one needs writers anymore. And even a new, great job has its very real challenges and anxiety-inducing moments. I got overwhelmed by all the things I could be/should be doing. I still do.

But now instead of rejection and survival mode. I’ve entered a stage of feeling valued and it feels more like healing. Healing is a process though. Takes not just time but work.

This year I’ve tried to do more self care type things…Not just face masks and stuff but writing which is helpful for me and also actually relaxing…

I’ve tried a lot of “relaxing” things in the last few years and most of them don’t do it for me but I’m currently soaking my muscles in CBD infused water and it’s maybe actually helping.

But I’ve been wanting to write this for a couple weeks now so I’m also typing this on my phone while I do the above. Because, like I said, bad at relaxing…

But I really wish I had some secret to tell you? Is it time? I don’t think just waiting for change is enough. But it does take time and you can’t avoid or skip over the waiting part. Is it therapy? Probably, definitely. Is it self care? Yes.

Does self care mean as my brilliant cousin suggested: scheduling time to poop? Yes. It’s a game changer. Similarly, another friend said, actually peeing when you need to pee? Yes. Drinking more water? Highly recommend. These are basic, no brainers, but also really hard when you work all the time. I just drove back from Oregon to Utah and didn’t realize until I got home and was shaking that I had forgotten to eat. It’s not that I don’t know eating is important, it’s that we have busy lives that make it easy to hyper focus on tasks and forget the daily things we need to do to, well, stay alive.

So, if you’re still with me, I’m sharing this story solely because it’s the only story I know well. It may take longer than a year to get out of your personal survival mode period. It might take a lot less. Some of us get stuck in survival mode even when we are safe because trauma is a jerk like that.

And while I’m healing now, I’m still tired all the time and still love too easily, and make a lot of dumb mistakes and am never organized but I gotta learn to love myself in spite of and because of those things.

Take a chill pill

Third week in a row, who thought I’d keep this up? I sure didn’t.

This Thanksgiving I went to my friend (and writing partner) John’s house to spend time with his entire family—they’re all delightful. As a result, I didn’t plan anything and just went with the flow, even willingly seeing Frozen 2 for the second time in one week. The older (and wiser?) I get the more I realize I have control issues.

It feels good to be in control so we all try and find control in whatever ways we can. I get really bossy when given any kind of power. But we can’t ever really be totally in control of our lives. Outside elements, other people’s choices, our own limitations, and a slew of other things keep us from being able to just do whatever we want.

So the point of all this is that it was really refreshing to go somewhere for the weekend and not worry about or try and control anything. I didn’t do any work—except for a second. We only worried about our writing project for a set couple of hours—and it went really well because we were focused and in it. And now I actually feel—dare I say it? Refreshed. The ability to relax is not something I’m good at, but I think I managed to do a little this past week.

I’m fortunate to have a flexible job in the sense that I don’t have to be there right at 8:00 on the dot. Because of that, and the fact I can’t really sleep in, I have set an alarm maybe 5 times this year. I realize not everyone can do that, but it’s been amazing. The sound of alarms has caused me so much anxiety over the years and that’s no way to start your day.

I found a Twitter thread where people were responding with places you can go to totally unplug and it had me thinking that might be a great vacation sometime.

Being Grateful for Where You’re At

Okay, so it was the week of being thankful. On the theme of not being in control, I cannot say that I’m totally where I want to be in life right now. Having a hard time when I interact with people younger than me with 3-4 kids who are happy and established in their career. Or people who are single and seem to be having a lot more fun than me. Or people who are married, and stay married. There are a lot of people I’d like to be like for different reasons but the moral of it is…

The grass is always greener. There are things I can do as a single person I wouldn’t be able to do if I was married—like visit a friend for thanksgiving. And things I definitely couldn’t do if I was a mom—like sleep.


Okay, I mentioned Frozen 2×2 times I’ve seen it now. I had a lot of issues with it. Probably random things that only bug me for a some of them. Like Olaf’s song about how everything will make sense when he’s older? Like, I don’t want my kids to think like that. I want them to question and learn as they grow. Obviously there will be things they won’t understand yet, but he’s going on and on about how things are scary but it’s probably okay. When, it’s not, spoiler alert, the dude is actually in real danger at the time he’s singing it and maybe it’s not okay to just assume things will get better when you’re older. Because they won’t.

Also saw Charlie’s Angels. All I had heard going into it was everyone saying how hot Kristen Stewart was and if I’m being honest the other two (look up names) were way hotter. Nothing life changing–though Elizabeth Banks saying, “Hugs work” is going to stick with me. And there were some good clothes.

Image result for charlie's angels pant suit



Weekly Update #2

I will come up with better titles eventually. WordPress isn’t working on my laptop so I’m typing this on my phone because I can’t give up on this after only one week.

I’m feeling wise these days. It could be that I’m 30 or it could be that I’ve finally in healing mode. Someone wise recently told me that you can’t be in survival mode and healing mode at the same time. For the last two years or so I’ve been in survival mode. My choices were based on how to stay alive, not how to thrive. Now I feel like I’m in a place where I can thrive. I can make decisions that go beyond day-to-day.

At work we talked about infinite goals rather than finite goals. Instead of focusing on being the best or getting to Broadway you focus on the love of ever-improving or the joy you get from learning and developing skills.

Sounds kind of boring. But that’s what keeps you going so that you don’t get stuck after you meet your goal.

Healing after heartbreak.

Met a new friend this week who has created a blog about healing after heartbreak. I think this is super important. I also had a chance to talk about my own heartbreak after not talking about it for a while.

Realizing how much I’ve learned but how it still hurts. It’s a dull hurt. Like an almost faded bruise. A tenderness. But not the sharp, stabbing pain that I used to think was going to kill me.

I’m okay. I’m safe. I repeat those words to myself pretty frequently and nowadays I’m more likely to believe them.

I still have this lingering fear that everyone (and everything) I love or start to get comfortable with will leave me. But when those thoughts come up I mentally walk myself through them. “Are these feelings because you’re in actual danger or because it is reminding you of a time you were in (emotional) danger?” And then we assess from there.

I used to think that bit in Hunger Games where Katniss would ask, “Real or fake?” Was dumb. But now I get it. I have to ask myself that all the time. Does this person actually love me or are they saying that while secretly resenting me?

I try to fill my life with light and love because that’s the only way to get rid of the darkness. Lucky for me there is so much light and love around me.

Ultimately only you can make yourself feel safe. One way to do this is to have a plan. So I can look at someone and say, “They’re going to leave me, because that’s what people do, they leave.” So instead of spiraling into self-doubt I say, “And if that happens I will…” Above all, I will be okay.

Your brain is smart, it wants to protect you from pain. Just like you learn not to touch hot things it’ll tell you to avoid things that have caused emotional pain in the past. So you have to remind it that there is a greater reward and also that you can still be safe despite the pain.

But it’s a freaking process.

Getting older

So we’ve got wrinkles and grey hair. What’re we going to do with them? I am growing more empathy for the women who dread getting old. I used to not get it because they were so beautiful in my eyes. But now I see what it’s like to look at your own body and not recognize it anymore. I wish I knew what the secret was to loving your body. I have some ideas but it’s a constant struggle.


I’ve been thinking a lot about how genetics play a role into health and how we should approach our individual health plans. More on this later but I’m posting now because I’m hoping has a Black Friday sale.

Weekend Update

Some friends of mine have joked that I need to send out a weekly update about my life, because I always have too much to talk about, haha. So I’m not going to say this’ll happen every week, because every time I say I’m going to do something consistently, I do not. But here goes…


Saw back-to-back movies yesterday which I haven’t done in…years.

Last Christmas. Say what you will about cheesy Christmas movies but they have their place in this world. This one takes it to the next level because it’s written by Emma Thompson (the dame herself) and directed by Paul Feig whom I love (Bridesmaids, Ghostbusters (2016), etc). The cast is charming and some of the lines are so sweet I shed a few tears. Definitely a good time for warm Christmas feels.

I think my favorite part about it was a brief conversation about how being special is overrated. You don’t have to be something special you just have to be you and be kind. I think that’s a good message.

JoJo Rabbit. Everyone loves this so what else can I say? Normally I hate when people direct and act in the same thing but I’ll let Taika do whatever he wants. I think it’s interesting how many WWII movies are made. But what’s great about this one is it’s a flavor all of it’s own. I don’t want to say much about it because you have to see it for yourself.

Disney +

I rewatched Oliver and Company and man, that show is dark. But it’s got a special place in my heart ever since my friend Hanna and I lip synced and choreographed a routine to it for the (3rd grade?) talent show. Also, Billy Joel and Bette Midler. I think it’s an underrated Disney film.

Did not love Highschool Musical, the Musical, the Series. It should be wayyyy more dramatic.

Reminder that you all need to watch Muppet Christmas Carol this holiday season and with Disney+ there are no excuses.

Also, you can get Disney+ for free if you have Verizon Unlimited. I feel like not enough people know this so here is your heads up.

Celine Dion

LISTEN TO HER NEW ALBUM. I Will Be Stronger is my current fave.

In other music things, still loving Lose You to Love Me.


I went to a church activity yesterday where we discussed Dieter F. Utchdorf’s last talk where he talked about Bilbo Baggins and the adventure he had to go on.

“When our friend Bilbo Baggins felt the call to adventure stir within him, he decided to get a good night’s rest, enjoy a hearty breakfast, and start out first thing in the morning.

When Bilbo awoke, he noticed his house was a mess, and he was almost distracted from his noble plan.But then his friend Gandalf came and asked, “Whenever are you going to come?” To catch up with his friends, Bilbo had to decide for himself what to do.

And so, the very normal and unremarkable hobbit found himself darting out his front door to the path of adventure so quickly that he forgot his hat, walking stick, and pocket handkerchief. He even left his second breakfast unfinished.”

I’ve been thinking about what’s holding me back from starting on adventures or even doing small things. I stress a lot about the house being a mess or things being left unfinished or waiting for “the right moment.” But is there ever a right moment?

Note that Bilbo did get a good night’s rest though. I think that’s important, which leads us to…


I’m back in physical therapy after taking a couple years off and I’ve already learned so much. Taking care of our bodies is important.

Some things I’m trying to do:

  • Eat better. I’m very bad at eating, but trying to be better. My only pro-tip for this week is that I’m now buying frozen vegetables because I’m tired of them rotting in my fridge.
  • Increase mobility. Go for a walk, twist in your chair, give yourself a massage, etc. We’re way too stiff and if we’re not moving our bodies aren’t moving and doing what they need to do.
  • Deep breaths. Did you know most of us aren’t breathing deep enough? I think it’s caused partly by stress and holding things in and partly by not taking time. Take a couple deep breaths when you hit a stop light. Take a moment at your desk. Take some before you fall asleep. This has helped me release some of the tension in my body in addition to getting more oxygen in my body–which is crucial for overall functioning.
  • Hydrate. A friend left a bag of lemons on my desk and now I’m drinking lemon water like it’s my job. And I actually like it. I’m lucky to have good friends.

I went to an infrared sauna (Revive in Lehi, it’s free if you have the Freeplay app) and I sweat it out. There are colored lights that are supposed to do different things from fat burning to lymph support to improving acne, etc.

It was a nice sweat but it was also a good moment to just sit and be with myself and my body without distractions. It felt a bit like meditation, but with more purpose. It’s hard for me to just plain-old meditate, but more on that later…


Turns out though she is a physical therapist, she’s taught me a thing or two about my brain. “It’s not all in your head, but your brain controls everything.”

Another thing she told me was, “I don’t think the brain registers the word ‘don’t.'” When someone tells you “Don’t look over here” you almost always do immediately. So while I’ve been annoyed with my body and telling it, “Don’t tense up, stop sucking.” That’s–not surprisingly–not helpful.

So I don’t tell myself don’t anymore. I’m focusing on what I am doing. It’s not “don’t eat gluten” it’s “do eat all these other delicious things you like–turns out I like squash and stuff.” I don’t tell myself, “Don’t tense up.” Instead I say, “Let’s breathe.”


I’ve had to change a lot of my viewpoints lately because I felt justified in not trusting people, but I’ve been proved wrong. I’ve found healthcare providers I trust. I’ve got more and more people in my life who love and support and believe in me. And, well, you just can’t let a few people ruin humanity for you.

I’m taking more time for myself and I’m trying to get over the fact that that feels selfish.


I’m back at the musical writing, with some serious song brainstorming happening this week. I have to re-prioritize this every once (always) in a while even though it’s something I really want, things just always manage to get in the way.

I’m happy. I’m working on being healthy.

I’m looking for a good sectional couch that isn’t expensive and also a new dining room table/chairs. This is taking up significant brain power as much as I wish it wasn’t.

In the last couple weeks some things I have written have been released, here’s one of them:


I posted about this on Veteran’s Day but I really love Canines with a Cause and organization that 1. Rescues shelter dogs 2. Has prison inmates train them 3. Gives them to veterans as therapy dogs. Win-win-win.

If you think emotional support animals aren’t a real thing I will just add that almost two years ago I promised Ru I was going to take care of her and I think there were a couple days where that promise was the only thing that kept me going when I didn’t want to anymore.

Local News

Did you hear there’s going to be a Real Housewives Salt Lake? lol.

Motherhood for the Non-Mothers

Oh, good, it’s a post about motherhood by someone who has no idea. Here we go…

First of all, talking about Mother’s Day can be hard for people who struggle with infertility…

Infertility can be caused by so many things.

Infertility is more common than you might think. It’s a pain that is often expressed privately so it can seem less prevalent than it is.

It can be biological. These conditions don’t just affect someone’s ability to have children, they cause pain and grief in everyday life. Endometriosis, PCOS, cancer and so many more don’t just cause problems whether or not someone wants to have children. It’s sharp pain and dull pain, bloating, bleeding, not bleeding, endless doctor’s visits, irregular hormones, and all the issues that come with that.

Infertility can be lacking a partner or sufficient means to raise a child on your own. Add to the yearning for children grief and loneliness and feelings of not being enough.

Infertility can be losing something you had due to tragic incidents. That’s a grief that’s hard to heal and the reminders of what you once had don’t just go away.

Infertility is a loss of control. It’s not being able to hold on to something you want so dearly. It’s wanting something that you can’t have and you might be able to someday but with so much uncertainty. So many risks and budgeting of time, money, and willpower.

There are so many different ways to have children which is a blessing, but also adds on this stress of decision making. Sometimes having more options adds to the hopelessness.

Mother’s Day is hard.

But I don’t imagine it’s going anywhere soon. And as someone who is blessed to have a fabulous mother and many amazing women in my life I don’t mind it even if I have had a Mother’s Day breakdown or two (or more) in my life. My mom lives far away so I can’t make breakfast or dinner for her. I, of course, will express my love in a way that is affectionate and slightly embarrassing, but how else can I celebrate Mother’s Day?

mom shirt

How can I get out of this Mother’s Day funk and turn it into something positive?

I am not suggesting that we can simply flip a switch and stop the negative feelings that distress us. This isn’t a pep talk or an attempt to encourage those sinking in quicksand to imagine instead they are relaxing on a beach. I recognize that in all of our lives there are real concerns. I know there are hearts here today that harbor deep sorrows. – Dieter F. Uchtdorf

It’s conveniently on the calendar in the middle of May which is when things start looking up in nature (on this side of the world, at least). I’m sitting on the steps in my backyard as I write this and the sun is shining and warming my skin. My yard is lush and green (it’s all weeds, but they’re still lush and green).


Motherhood is about creating and nurturing life.

There are many reasons why I may never be a mother, but there are also many opportunities for me to create. This is something we can all do regardless of gender or circumstances.

I could create life by planting a garden, but that is more of a way I destroy life. YOU could create life by planting a garden.

I could nourish life by rescuing a dog. Oh my gosh, I did that already, I’m such a good person.

rescue dog

You can create life by creating a work of art. You’re bringing into the world that wasn’t there before.

Posting a photo of something beautiful. Write a poem or song…or a poem that should be turned into a song because they’re better that way. Painting, sculpting, dancing, acting EVEN IF YOU’RE BAD AT IT. It’s not going to be easy. But suck it up and you might even enjoy it.

I suck at dancing and had fun taking a community dance class. I was bad. Even at the performance.

middle eastern dance

I’m creating this blog post with no intention of editing it to actually be good. I’m taking voice lessons starting soon and I’m sure it’ll be painfully humbling, but worth it. It’s a better high than drugs, trust me, I’ve only tried one of them. Creating makes you happy, I’ll find an article to back this up later, but I’m pretty sure it’s science.

I’ve learned so much from strong women.

But what I really think we can do to create and nuture is looking after each other. My mom is amazing and I’ve learned so much from her. If I could only take one person with to an island or something I would take her, but it’s taken so many people to make me who I am.

your first home was a woman

Those who were born or married into my family. Strong women going back for decades on both sides of my family tree. The ones in my history who overcome trials I will never know but passed that strength on to me.

Friends and friends’ moms.


Women in media and arts and politics. Women who work for national and global causes that have taught me what it means to magnify your talents and stay classy while doing it. One thing all these women have in common is love and support. 

As a mom you have to nourish and support your child, because without you your child cannot survive. The rest of us may have to go out of our way to find opportunities to love and care of others.


Definition of motherhood.

A perfect mother is full of love, selfless, does the thankless jobs and gets it done when no one else will. Those are things we should all be. be defining motherhood like,

definition of motherhood

I don’t know who came up with this, but how amazing is that phraseology. “Inherent worthiness, justness, or good that is obvious or unarguable.” Dang. That definitely describes mothers, but I think we all have that same worth inside of us and I think it’s time we remember that.

Just like mothers, we can all create life.

We can literally bring life to someone by making them smile, by bringing back a light in someone that has gone out. By encouraging them to leave their house to experience something they love. We can remind them of their worth when they’ve forgotten. We can take other people’s hands in our own to remind them they’re not alone. We can look into each other eyes and acknowledge each other.

We are givers of life when it’s lost. You don’t have to grow something in your womb to give life. You don’t have to conceive to create (I just thought that sounded catchy). You don’t need to wait to learn to love and nourish a human. You don’t need to be genetically connected to be family.

It’s even creating a positive outlook when you have to create it out of nothing.

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I have no doubt that motherhood is a fast-track to lots of life lessons and emotions, but I don’t think the rest of us get a free pass just because we have no fruit of our wombs or child of our own.

Here’s to being the best moms we can be, to whatever creation we can make and sharing those creations and that love with the world so that we can have more good in this world than bad.

And because I may never be a mom, but love giving motherly advice, I made this blog.

Freaking 30

New Year’s Resolutions never really work for me, but I do want to change and improve my life before I turn 30 on May 23rd. I had a list of things that were mostly fun that I wanted to do before I turned 30, and a friend pointed out (shamed me) that they were more-or-less things I could do in a day and that I should do things that challenge me. So I started thinking about what I want to do and who I want to be before I turn 30.

My personality lends itself to having loads of ideas and no follow-through, it’s something that’s bugged me since I graduated and then I get this fortune cookie…

The biggest thing for me is to not care if something is good or not. Picasso supposedly said, “The chief enemy of creativity is good sense.” The best estimate is that Picasso created 50,000 pieces, so he knew a thing or two about getting stuff done. So for the next five months, I don’t care if any of these things are actually good or even totally finished. I just want to get them done and out there.

Honestly, things I don’t think are great get made and are either popular, make money or both, so who am I to say what’s good anymore? It’s just my job to make it.

Other things I’m hoping to gain from this is to figure out what I actually like to do and to spend less of my downtime consuming and more time creating.

Some of the list items are to finish creative projects I’ve been working on and some of them are things to challenge me to get outside of my normal way of thinking.

Here’s my list to complete by the end of May (I’m giving myself an extra week):

  1. Write 30 songs (at least five different genres)
  2. Write 30 pages of a screenplay or 30-minute (technically 22-minute) television pilot.
  3. Write 30 pages of a musical
  4. Write 30 pages of a novel
  5. Write 30 stories from my life or family member’s life
  6. 30 posts (by me or other people) on
  7. Write 30 jokes/sketch ideas
  8. Complete 30 visual art projects (painting, hand-lettering, tattoo designs, sewing, etc.)
  9. Release 30 minutes of a podcast to the public
  10. Post 30 Etsy listings
  11. Write 30-minute “Ted Talk”
  12. Record and post 30 one-minute pep talks.
  13. Watch 30 shows (both live and recorded performances)
  14. Read 30 well-researched articles about unique subjects
  15. Broadcast for 30 hours on Twitch
  16. Work on/give feedback on 30 projects that aren’t mine
  17. Have 30 significant one-on-one conversations with 30 different people
  18. Resist 30 impulse purchases
  19. Get rid of 30 items
  20. 30 days of unique outfits (not repeating anything in my closet, minus underwear and maybe shoes)
  21. 30 days of wearing outfits from the same 15 items
  22. 30 meals I’ve never tried
  23. 30 different kinds of exercise
  24. 30 small acts of service
  25. 30 seeds planted
  26. 30 projects I haven’t been putting off around the house done.
  27. Learn a phrase in 30 different languages
  28. Learn 30 new phrases in Italian
  29. Learn 30 new words in English
  30. Do 30 things that make me say, “I’m scared, but I’m going to do this anyway.”
  31. Do 30 push-ups
  32. Play trombone for 30 minutes

Other things:

Write 30 minutes a day.
30 minutes of self/spiritual care a day.

I’ll be documenting this on my Instagram @theseriallover to hold myself accountable. Feel free to follow along.

Some people think this sounds like a lot, but, honestly, if I was in school I’d be writing/creating way more so I think it’ll be good.

I Wrote My Way Out

I don’t know what to do. My brain and my body feel like they’re imploding on themselves. I have had a headache for days, heartache for years. I’m broken, but I know I’m not. I feel totally inadequate. And then I remember someone was going to trust me to watch her children (whom she loves) for an entire weekend. I feel unlovable and then I look at my phone to see messages from people who know I exist and invite me to things. I feel untalented and then I look at the things I’ve made, with my own brains. I know being depressed isn’t my fault, but I also know it causes me to lose things I love. It’s a companion I know I could learn to libe with, but it’s also a plague that’s destroying the life I want.

It’s a constant battle between heart and mind and the result is an aching soul.

I’m sitting here in what must be Depression, because how can a sadness worse than this exist? Maybe for someone stronger than me, it is possible to be sadder, but this feels like my limit. I feel like my veins are filled with lead. My arm feels too heavy to raise. And it’s too boney. Why are my elbows so boney? My heart is heavy and somehow empty at the same time. I am the heaviest shell of a person you can imagine. I had barely hold my head up and everything in my brain is foggy. But the creative thoughts don’t stop. I’m filled with ideas I cannot execute because my body won’t do what my brain tells it to.

And it’s not me either. Because me is a person who jokes around constantly. I used to think “vibrant” was a great word to describe me, but I feel desaturated. The world has a grey tint to it. I only wear sunglasses with brown lenses, because I hate looking at the world with a grey tint.

So I have to do something. People are suggesting things like therapy, books, and medication, meditation, yoga, diets. I’ve tried them. I’ve even preached about them. But nothing is actually working for me. I know I could (and will) try harder and retry some of those things that help people. But different things work for different people.

So what can I do? I love yoga and therapy and all that. But as I’m thinking, I hear it, in the suave voice of Jamael Westman (sorry, Lin), I wrote my way out.

I wrote my way out of hell
I wrote my way to revolution
I was louder than the crack in the bell
I wrote Eliza love letters until she fell
I wrote about The Constitution and defended it well
And in the face of ignorance and resistance
I wrote financial systems into existence
And when my prayers to God were met with indifference
I picked up a pen, I wrote my own deliverance

Hurricane on Spotify

It doesn’t matter if it’s good. It’s what my brain wants.
And maybe if it is good. I can have the same effect that this song has had on my life.
Maybe one thing, I write one day, without even thinking much about it.
Could change someone’s life.
And in that case, it is worth it. It’s worth losing everything. It’s worth working through the pain. If I can write even one sentence, one line, that helps someone not feel how I feel right now…If I only write one sentence my whole life that helps someone. If I never make a penny off it. It is worth it. Another Hamilton line comes to me at times I need it most, Just stay alive, that would be enough. Thanks, Lin.
In the eye of a hurricane
There is quiet
For just a moment
A yellow sky
I was twelve when my mother died
She was holding me
We were sick and she was holding me
I couldn’t seem to die
Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it (I’ll write my way out)
Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it (write everything down, far as I can see)
Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it, wait (history has its eyes on you)
I’ll write my way out
Overwhelm them with honesty
This is the eye of the hurricane, this is the only

And it’s selfish too. Because it makes me feel better. Maybe selfish is a bad word. It’s a win-win. I wish I didn’t keep forgetting. I am so blessed to have a talent/love that is totally free for me to do. I can write on paper scraps. I can write on my own skin. I can write on the internet with potential for people around the world to read it. It’s the easiest, most beautiful thing. I can do it by myself or with other people. I’m lucky to have something that’s so easy to love. And it gives me hell, but I sometimes think it loves me back.

Here’s the remix version:

Note: My therapist also suggested I write more, so she gets some credit too.