I will come up with better titles eventually. WordPress isn’t working on my laptop so I’m typing this on my phone because I can’t give up on this after only one week.
I’m feeling wise these days. It could be that I’m 30 or it could be that I’ve finally in healing mode. Someone wise recently told me that you can’t be in survival mode and healing mode at the same time. For the last two years or so I’ve been in survival mode. My choices were based on how to stay alive, not how to thrive. Now I feel like I’m in a place where I can thrive. I can make decisions that go beyond day-to-day.
At work we talked about infinite goals rather than finite goals. Instead of focusing on being the best or getting to Broadway you focus on the love of ever-improving or the joy you get from learning and developing skills.
Sounds kind of boring. But that’s what keeps you going so that you don’t get stuck after you meet your goal.
Healing after heartbreak.
Met a new friend this week who has created a blog about healing after heartbreak. I think this is super important. I also had a chance to talk about my own heartbreak after not talking about it for a while.
Realizing how much I’ve learned but how it still hurts. It’s a dull hurt. Like an almost faded bruise. A tenderness. But not the sharp, stabbing pain that I used to think was going to kill me.
I’m okay. I’m safe. I repeat those words to myself pretty frequently and nowadays I’m more likely to believe them.
I still have this lingering fear that everyone (and everything) I love or start to get comfortable with will leave me. But when those thoughts come up I mentally walk myself through them. “Are these feelings because you’re in actual danger or because it is reminding you of a time you were in (emotional) danger?” And then we assess from there.
I used to think that bit in Hunger Games where Katniss would ask, “Real or fake?” Was dumb. But now I get it. I have to ask myself that all the time. Does this person actually love me or are they saying that while secretly resenting me?
I try to fill my life with light and love because that’s the only way to get rid of the darkness. Lucky for me there is so much light and love around me.
Ultimately only you can make yourself feel safe. One way to do this is to have a plan. So I can look at someone and say, “They’re going to leave me, because that’s what people do, they leave.” So instead of spiraling into self-doubt I say, “And if that happens I will…” Above all, I will be okay.
Your brain is smart, it wants to protect you from pain. Just like you learn not to touch hot things it’ll tell you to avoid things that have caused emotional pain in the past. So you have to remind it that there is a greater reward and also that you can still be safe despite the pain.
But it’s a freaking process.
So we’ve got wrinkles and grey hair. What’re we going to do with them? I am growing more empathy for the women who dread getting old. I used to not get it because they were so beautiful in my eyes. But now I see what it’s like to look at your own body and not recognize it anymore. I wish I knew what the secret was to loving your body. I have some ideas but it’s a constant struggle.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how genetics play a role into health and how we should approach our individual health plans. More on this later but I’m posting now because I’m hoping Nutritiongenome.com has a Black Friday sale.
Some friends of mine have joked that I need to send out a weekly update about my life, because I always have too much to talk about, haha. So I’m not going to say this’ll happen every week, because every time I say I’m going to do something consistently, I do not. But here goes…
Saw back-to-back movies yesterday which I haven’t done in…years.
Last Christmas. Say what you will about cheesy Christmas movies but they have their place in this world. This one takes it to the next level because it’s written by Emma Thompson (the dame herself) and directed by Paul Feig whom I love (Bridesmaids, Ghostbusters (2016), etc). The cast is charming and some of the lines are so sweet I shed a few tears. Definitely a good time for warm Christmas feels.
I think my favorite part about it was a brief conversation about how being special is overrated. You don’t have to be something special you just have to be you and be kind. I think that’s a good message.
JoJo Rabbit. Everyone loves this so what else can I say? Normally I hate when people direct and act in the same thing but I’ll let Taika do whatever he wants. I think it’s interesting how many WWII movies are made. But what’s great about this one is it’s a flavor all of it’s own. I don’t want to say much about it because you have to see it for yourself.
I rewatched Oliver and Company and man, that show is dark. But it’s got a special place in my heart ever since my friend Hanna and I lip synced and choreographed a routine to it for the (3rd grade?) talent show. Also, Billy Joel and Bette Midler. I think it’s an underrated Disney film.
Did not love Highschool Musical, the Musical, the Series. It should be wayyyy more dramatic.
Reminder that you all need to watch Muppet Christmas Carol this holiday season and with Disney+ there are no excuses.
Also, you can get Disney+ for free if you have Verizon Unlimited. I feel like not enough people know this so here is your heads up.
I went to a church activity yesterday where we discussed Dieter F. Utchdorf’s last talk where he talked about Bilbo Baggins and the adventure he had to go on.
“When our friend Bilbo Baggins felt the call to adventure stir within him, he decided to get a good night’s rest, enjoy a hearty breakfast, and start out first thing in the morning.
When Bilbo awoke, he noticed his house was a mess, and he was almost distracted from his noble plan.But then his friend Gandalf came and asked, “Whenever are you going to come?” To catch up with his friends, Bilbo had to decide for himself what to do.
And so, the very normal and unremarkable hobbit found himself darting out his front door to the path of adventure so quickly that he forgot his hat, walking stick, and pocket handkerchief. He even left his second breakfast unfinished.”
I’ve been thinking about what’s holding me back from starting on adventures or even doing small things. I stress a lot about the house being a mess or things being left unfinished or waiting for “the right moment.” But is there ever a right moment?
Note that Bilbo did get a good night’s rest though. I think that’s important, which leads us to…
I’m back in physical therapy after taking a couple years off and I’ve already learned so much. Taking care of our bodies is important.
Some things I’m trying to do:
Eat better. I’m very bad at eating, but trying to be better. My only pro-tip for this week is that I’m now buying frozen vegetables because I’m tired of them rotting in my fridge.
Increase mobility. Go for a walk, twist in your chair, give yourself a massage, etc. We’re way too stiff and if we’re not moving our bodies aren’t moving and doing what they need to do.
Deep breaths. Did you know most of us aren’t breathing deep enough? I think it’s caused partly by stress and holding things in and partly by not taking time. Take a couple deep breaths when you hit a stop light. Take a moment at your desk. Take some before you fall asleep. This has helped me release some of the tension in my body in addition to getting more oxygen in my body–which is crucial for overall functioning.
Hydrate. A friend left a bag of lemons on my desk and now I’m drinking lemon water like it’s my job. And I actually like it. I’m lucky to have good friends.
I went to an infrared sauna (Revive in Lehi, it’s free if you have the Freeplay app) and I sweat it out. There are colored lights that are supposed to do different things from fat burning to lymph support to improving acne, etc.
It was a nice sweat but it was also a good moment to just sit and be with myself and my body without distractions. It felt a bit like meditation, but with more purpose. It’s hard for me to just plain-old meditate, but more on that later…
Turns out though she is a physical therapist, she’s taught me a thing or two about my brain. “It’s not all in your head, but your brain controls everything.”
Another thing she told me was, “I don’t think the brain registers the word ‘don’t.'” When someone tells you “Don’t look over here” you almost always do immediately. So while I’ve been annoyed with my body and telling it, “Don’t tense up, stop sucking.” That’s–not surprisingly–not helpful.
So I don’t tell myself don’t anymore. I’m focusing on what I am doing. It’s not “don’t eat gluten” it’s “do eat all these other delicious things you like–turns out I like squash and stuff.” I don’t tell myself, “Don’t tense up.” Instead I say, “Let’s breathe.”
I’ve had to change a lot of my viewpoints lately because I felt justified in not trusting people, but I’ve been proved wrong. I’ve found healthcare providers I trust. I’ve got more and more people in my life who love and support and believe in me. And, well, you just can’t let a few people ruin humanity for you.
I’m taking more time for myself and I’m trying to get over the fact that that feels selfish.
I’m back at the musical writing, with some serious song brainstorming happening this week. I have to re-prioritize this every once (always) in a while even though it’s something I really want, things just always manage to get in the way.
I’m happy. I’m working on being healthy.
I’m looking for a good sectional couch that isn’t expensive and also a new dining room table/chairs. This is taking up significant brain power as much as I wish it wasn’t.
In the last couple weeks some things I have written have been released, here’s one of them:
I posted about this on Veteran’s Day but I really love Canines with a Cause and organization that 1. Rescues shelter dogs 2. Has prison inmates train them 3. Gives them to veterans as therapy dogs. Win-win-win.
If you think emotional support animals aren’t a real thing I will just add that almost two years ago I promised Ru I was going to take care of her and I think there were a couple days where that promise was the only thing that kept me going when I didn’t want to anymore.
Did you hear there’s going to be a Real Housewives Salt Lake? lol.